We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
