mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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