I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
