is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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