He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
