Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Randomize
