Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
this hospital has no fireball
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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