My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
