In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
