i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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