Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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