So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
