eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize