yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
