I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Randomize
