i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize