If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize