I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
And then he peed in my hair
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