mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
