ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
