i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
