yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
