I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
