I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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