Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
