dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
