I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize