we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
