did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Randomize
