If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
