First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
