I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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