i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
You peed on a flamingo?!?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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