They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
