He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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