Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
