I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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