Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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