Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize