Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
