i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
