he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
