Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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