i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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