she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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