so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
