Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
