She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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