I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
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