No awkward lesbian experiences without me
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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