I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
why do cheetos always look like penises
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
