You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
The beer is more important than you right now.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Randomize
