My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
