Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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