Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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