Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
