At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize
