he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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