I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
