woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
