i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
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