I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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