I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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