i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize