Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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