Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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