What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
